Feeling Overwhelmed...

There are some days where it is so easy to get overwhelmed by the slightest of things. Monday being one of those days for me. I think it kinda started the morning when I was already dreading to go out, still having this need to be alone and isolate myself from the world. Forced to be out there, I knew this would be a long day, but boy I wasn't prepared for how unbearable and fast it would be.

Even during last week, not seeing much of anyone, going to work, and then going home. On my way to and my way back listening to music or an audiobook — completely closed to the world — I felt socially overwhelmed. When that happens I don't really know why except that my whole being has the need to be left alone. And this week, now right in the middle of it, I am still feeling this, and thinking about this weekend, about this family gathering I have, I am trying to think of an excuse to not go, knowing if I want to be able to make it through next week, I will need to recharge, and there is only one way for me to do so, it's to spend the whole weekend by myself.

I love Sunday's. It's my favorite day, it's the day I stay in PJs, eat nothing but leftovers or sometimes have a brunch by myself, and then either read all day or write all day all the while doing some skincare type of activity, just feeling good and resting. But for the past two weeks, it has proven to not be enough, I need a full weekend.

It's just this feeling of time flying by while you perfectly stand still and then wake up and the weekend has gone, another week is done. It’s feeling overwhelmed by the time and having this anxiety of wasting your time by not doing something productive.

Thinking back years ago — I mean, just two years ago, which is not long — I could not stay by myself, I was always busy, I was always with someone, always had something planned, work and then going out with friends, family, or even people I didn't like that much. I did only so because I was terrified to be alone. But then I worked on it, and boy oh boy now it's a necessity! I truly think being able to sit alone with yourself and your thoughts is work to be done. It's pure hell in the beginning, but once you finally had that talk with yourself you won't be able to go a week without being alone. For me, it was my first apartment that triggered everything. I was happy to finally live on my own, but I truly needed to learn to be alone, and that is something totally different.

I was scared of this week, and I still somehow feel like there is something that is going to happen, but truly all I need is a weekend to myself, no phone, just my thoughts, my favorite things, my cocoon, my little world. I'm only truly happy when I am home, and somehow I still find myself being interrupted, my sister calling, a friend, whatever. In those times there are so little people I let in and that's mostly only my best friend.

The thing is being socially overwhelmed is a different kind of overwhelmed, because I don’t react to other things. It’s just the fact of having to talk to people. When I say I hate people I don’t mean all people, I just am not fit for being social too long or all the time. With my work, I don’t have a choice and when I have to socialize I am surprisingly good at it, just that I’m not feeling good inside. I will be at a gathering and be awesome and laugh with people, tell jokes and all, and the people I was with will be like “I’m so glad you had fun!”, and I might have had at some point, yes, but not all the way through.

When I over-socialize myself I tend to get cranky, I take everything seriously, I get offended easily, and get angry at little details. Being a perfectionist during that period is hell, trust me. I can’t any longer fake being fun, kind, and this cheery outgoing person. No. Just no. Let me hide, let me be behind closed doors on my own with no one but my cat and myself. Trust me, sometimes it’s plenty enough!