Why I write in English and not in French

I have been writing for years now, and when I look back on it I can see the progress I made. One thing that came across multiple times when I tell people that I work with is "why don't you write in French?"

I was born in France and I still live in France. I never ever went to the US but I learned to speak English since I was six years old. I enjoyed English class more than anything at school, and always had the highest grades. I started to watch shows in English with subtitles, translate everything I didn't know, translate songs etc...When I was more comfortable, I started to read in English, too. Now years passed by and I am using more English than French. If I wasn't working I would have probably completely lost my French. The past year I started to read in French again as I realized that I am more fluent in English than in French. My reactions come in english, my reflexes are in English and sometimes I will answer to someone I work with in English and have them stare at me as if I was a weirdo.

Generally I am dyslexic. It's highly pronounced when I'm speaking, reading, or writing French, and me doing everything in English only made it worse. Which is also why I forced myself to read in French again. My dyslexia doesn't come that much in English, which is probably why I go towards English more easily. Some days it will be more pronounced, and I will do mistakes here and there, but compared to French it's a huge contrast.

That is why all of my books are in English. Even with HomeCook being my first project to also be in French it feels so weird and in some kind...vulnerable to write in French. And to be totally honest with you, I do feel that I am smarter in English than in French. Some people won't get what I mean by this, but those of speak more than one language will know what I mean. I will be able to talk about anything in English, I will debate, I will be clear and will be able to make my point heard. But if it's in French and no matter the subject, even if it's something that I excel in, I will have trouble expressing myself. My whole confidence is in English.

I know that speaking more than one language is amazing, and opens more opportunity, such as me and this website and my following on social media. But I also know that me losing my confidence in French might be a problem in the future. I can't go to my boss and just be like, "sorry, but this sounds better in English" or even ask him/her to translate what I just said because I can't express it in French.

I joke around about me doubting I'm French and just toss it aside, but somedays I do feel self-conscious about how I'm not that good in French and that I would feel more at ease in a city where people speak English.

Take translation for instance. If there is a text in French to be translated in English, it will be so easy and I will likely do it quickly, too. But if it's a text to be translated from English to French it will take me so much time and I will want to give up. When I think about my books that I want to be in French, thank god my best friend is here to translate them. I tried but it would just not come out right. I didn't like the result and as I said, I wanted to give up.

I don't know where I want to go with this blog, to be fair with you. I want to be honest with my struggle and although this struggle is nothing compared to the others I have, somedays I get anxiety about having to do something in French. Because on the bad days I just don't want to speak French. My feelings express themselves in English, they are honest and true.